She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
