my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
