I got chris browned last night
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
