people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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