Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
