Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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