someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
