Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
