my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
