Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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