omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
