so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
