We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
