Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
