I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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