Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
