he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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