Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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