kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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