theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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