Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
