My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
