seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
