Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
