Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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