A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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