I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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