I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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