When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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