Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
