This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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