Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
