the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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