Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
