This is not my ceiling
there's paper in my vomit.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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