Don't you send me to vm
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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