god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
