So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
