the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
