I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.