This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!