There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!