Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
