Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Randomize
