Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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