I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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