I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Please, let me fuck your mom
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
operation harelip BJ is a go
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
