Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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