Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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