i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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