i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
