Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
