you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
