Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
