...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
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I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP