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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  ...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..

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• (313): View more from Michigan

  I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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  19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive

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• (605): View more from South Dakota

  His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...

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• (407): View more from Florida

  Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?

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  25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.

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• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.

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• (952): View more from Minnesota

  Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.

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• (917): View more from New York City

  I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser

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• (509): View more from Washington

  If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP

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