You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
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She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
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I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.