WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.