Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
