Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
