Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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